Maybe I have one of those faces. The kind where people just tell you things? It happens more than I can explain and yet my "I'm busy reading the New Yorker face" doesn't seem to keep them at bay. And because of the patriarchy, it's almost always men who feel the need to address me. Thanks patriarchy for making me the ideal conversationalist, it's really charming.
Today I was running errands and using the train to get around. I got to the station, sat down and pulled out a copy of the New Yorker, because I'm a stodgy adult in gym shorts. Without fail, 3 young men walk into the train and sit down behind me. The oldest of whom was likely only 20 though he looked older. The one sitting immediately behind me said, "excuse me ma'am" and struck up an unwanted conversation with me. Something about taking his little brother out for his birthday. He asked if I went to the university- the answer to this is always a little tricky, because technically yes, but also people assume that they are asking if you are an undergraduate, which alas, I am not.
"How long have you gone to school there?"
"About 3 months."
Other member of the group sitting across the aisle, "man, she's gone to school there as long as I've been in jail!"
Well, this took a turn. Seeing my probably confused face he pulls a large ziplock bag from the front of his gym shorts (because this is the first piece of masculine clothing that adheres to the plight of women: no pockets.) Lofting up the bag he says, "I just got out today!"
Me: "Congrats man!"
Small talk continues despite my attempts to return to my magazine. The "little brother" who was sitting behind the man right behind me asked me if I was salty about the Chiefs- I mean, usually? But my care level about sports is pretty low. The man behind me tells me about his uncle who holds some football record that is memorialized on the stadium walls while his little brother talks to the man across the aisle about his recent drug transaction cost. After one stop of awkward conversation, the brothers got off the train leaving me with the man across the aisle.
Lucky me, he decides to pick up the conversation, talking about how good it is to be free. He talks openly about his criminal record, doing time in juvenile prison and his recent stint in jail. He introduces himself, says people call him
Cincinnati and references his shirt which is a sports reference about the Bulls I clearly don't understand. He says his time in Ohio was because he was "a shooter." Getting into shoot outs will evidently land you some hard time somewhere. He says his friends call him "Chino" because he has narrow eyes. Frankly, Cincinnati is a much better nick name and not just because it's less racist. He talks about the football scholarship he had, the now famous players he knows, the protective custody that lead him to this desert state. He talks about his, and I quote, "baby mama" who is going to graduate college this year with a degree in bio chemistry. He asks which stop he should get off in town- I know nothing about the lay out of the city other than where I need to go, but he checks the map anyway. He apologizes for the behavior of "his homies" because they don't know how to "talk to a female". If I'm being honest, anyone who refers to women as "females" doesn't know anything either.
We talk about the weather compared to the Midwest. He used to make "ass angels" in the snow in Ohio, but there's no snow here. He says there are two seasons here: "hot and fuck no." Which isn't untrue so far.
I finally get to my stop, he shakes my hand and I get off the train- checking to make sure I'm not being followed.
It's not that it was a bad conversation. It's just not what I have in mind when using public transportation. Of the 5 other men on the train near by, why was I the person who clearly needed to be engaged in conversation. The man sitting on the other side of the aisle from me was reading a text book- didn't he need to be bothered? What about the man who was nearly asleep behind them? This is a constant battle of how to create and demonstrate civility in public ways, working to create a safe public space for women and still being aware that some people are bad people and would follow you around after an interaction like that. It's not that I don't like people (I mean they're not great, but I'm not reclusive) it's that I want to have the chance to choose whether I talk to someone on public transportation or not. Me reading a magazine with headphones in should be enough of a social signal that I would like to be left alone. Errands shouldn't be this taxing.
So men: be better. Know the difference between polite conversation and the "I'm busy reading something interesting" expressions. Remember, a woman riding public transportation by herself is not an invitation to conversation, if she wanted to talk to you, she would.
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